You Can’t Pour from an Empty Vessel: Understanding Boundaries- What Are They, Why We Struggle, and How to Set Them

Healthy boundaries are one of the most important skills we can develop for emotional wellness, relationship satisfaction, and overall life balance. At their core, boundaries are expectations and needs that help us feel safe in relationship with ourselves and the people around us. They help us understand where our emotions and responsibilities begin and end and where others’ begin. They make it possible to know when we genuinely want to say yes and when we need to say no.

As we reach for one another, is the boundary between too loose or too tight? You are the only one who can answer that, each relationship is different. The most important one you will ever have is with yourself. If you want to work on boundaries, Dr. Tera is here.

Authors such as Melody Beattie in Codependent No More and Nedra Glover Tawwab in Set Boundaries Find Peace have brought overdue attention to the value of boundaries as a foundation for emotional health. Their work underscores that boundaries are learnable skills. They are not signs of selfishness but of maturity, safety, and self respect.

Your Body Knows When a Boundary Is Needed

One of the most powerful aspects of boundary work is learning to tap into and listen to your body. Your body often signals discomfort long before your mind can form the words, so much of our emotional intelligence is first felt in the body.  We just have to learn how to listen. A tightening in the chest. A knot in the stomach. A sense of dread or heaviness. These cues are invitations to pause and consider whether a boundary needs to be set or reinforced. When you begin to honor what your body communicates, you become more aligned with your needs, values, and sense of safety.  If it feels difficult to get in touch with our bodily cues, I work with people on this frequently in therapy, even incorporating biofeedback as needed, which is helpful when the cues have been ignored for so long it seems like they aren’t accessible.

Why We Struggle to Set Boundaries

Many people grow up learning that their needs come second. Family systems, cultural expectations, and environments that reward self sacrifice can teach us that saying no is unkind or that our worth depends on meeting everyone else’s needs first. People who benefit from our lack of boundaries may reinforce this pattern. Over time, these messages become internalized and leave us believing that boundary setting will harm relationships rather than strengthen them. You can’t pour from an empty vessel is a phrase that has helped me learn to start valuing my own self care, which does mean setting boundaries.

The Cost of Not Having Boundaries

When boundaries are unclear or absent, the emotional toll can be significant. Without clear limits, people often experience burnout, overwhelm, resentment, withdrawal, anger, frustration, and stress related health conditions. These reactions are not personal failures. They are indicators that the body and mind are trying to compensate for unmet needs. Boundaries restore balance so you can show up with clarity and connection instead of depletion. Again, fueling ourselves equips us to show up for ourselves and in our relationships in an authentic way.  

Too Loose or Too Rigid: Understanding Boundary Extremes

Boundary work is not simply about drawing lines. It is about finding a flexible, values based balance. Boundaries that are too loose often look like people pleasing, difficulty saying no, avoiding conflict, or constantly overextending for others. Boundaries that are too rigid can look like shutting people out, putting up emotional walls, avoiding vulnerability, or holding tight to control in ways that limit connection. Healthy boundaries allow you to stay connected to your needs while remaining open and responsive to others.  Not everyone can roll with this though, and I work frequently with people in therapy who are working on shifting their boundaries and how that impacts their relationships.

What Healthy Boundaries Actually Look Like

Healthy boundaries are a form of self care. They help you honor your values, feel comfortable saying no, and maintain the flexibility needed to collaborate and stay connected with others. With healthy boundaries, you can give and receive support without abandoning yourself. You can show up authentically instead of out of obligation.

How to Set a Boundary

Setting boundaries becomes easier with practice. Two important steps guide the process.

Clear and effectively communicated expectations. A boundary works best when it is direct and easy to understand. Vagueness leaves room for misunderstanding. Clarity protects both people and supports healthy communication.

Follow through. When you set boundaries, it is common to receive pushback, defensiveness, or confusion. Returning to your values and remembering the reasons the boundary matters can help you stay grounded. Boundaries are not about controlling other people. They are about caring for yourself in ways that allow healthier relationships to grow.

Types of Boundaries to Consider

Many areas of life can benefit from awareness of where your limits need to be including intellectual boundaries, financial boundaries, material boundaries, intimate or sexual boundaries, time boundaries, and boundaries with ourselves (hello, less time on social media). Each of these has its own unique purpose and helps create safety, clarity, and respect.

Let’s Connect

If you want to strengthen your boundaries or learn how to communicate boundaries with confidence/compassion and work through challenges when setting boundaries with people in your life, therapy with Dr. Tera is the perfect place to practice. It is so critical to understand why you struggle with boundaries and clarify values related to what is needed in terms of our own growth to be effective in setting and holding boundaries. It is unique for each person, and you deserve to pour into yourself after years of pouring into others. I often help clients explore the tone, wording, and delivery of boundaries so they have the best chance of being heard and honored. You are welcome to schedule a complementary ten to fifteen minute discovery call to see if working together with Dr. Tera feels like a good fit. Connect here.  

Also, Dr. Tera joined as an expert on a recent panel on boundaries, you can have a listen here.